Don’t worry, this section is not about the demands placed on you or your kids by family, school, work, society or anything like that… it’s about the expectations we can and should place on our kids.
TLDR: Set high standards. “If you shoot for the moon you’ll still land among the stars” can work great for kids if you have outrageous expectations tempered with real-world support and the ability to clearly communicate, compassionately reinforce, and consistently provide feedback.
“I feel like he’s two, but you hold him to a four-year-old-standard.”
A number of years ago, my wife and her college friends started an annual reunion. Each year they’d pick a different city, they’d rent a large house and everyone brought their families. They’ve since-then decided that moving forward they will just leave the husbands and kids at home (a decision I highly encourage), but for this story, everyone was together.
We flew from Chicago to Tampa, rented a car and made our way to the AirBnB. Not long after we arrive, several of the newly minted parents (ourselves included) are all trying to feed our kids after the long day of travel and we start to see a few differences in how things are handled. Some of us throw food on a plate and beg the kid to take a bite as they periodically trundle past the table. Some of us tether the child into a high-chair, lay down a tarp, and ready the mop. Some of us (ahem), ask our two year old to get a plastic plate, bring it to the table, sit down and place a napkin on their lap before eating. Once the meal is done, that same child asked to be excused from the table and (after a gentle reminder) cleared his plate back to the kitchen counter.
Now, while this is CLEARLY an excuse on my part to do a humble-brag, the point is actually just to point out the difference in expectations that we were setting for our kids at this event. Are all three options valid given the structure of the day? Of course! It’s completely understandable that our kids might need to get some wiggles out after a travel day and the excitement of seeing a new house, and new playing partners. It’s also understandable to not want to make a mess in this new home that we are renting and therefore employ the added protection that the high-chair/tarp combo can provide.
But… how did we get there? When I was a kid we didn’t always eat dinner together. My Mother worked two jobs, my Father did odd jobs and as a result, we more often than not, were left to our own devices for meals and such. A vat of tuna noodle casserole or spaghetti was made on Sunday and that was slowly whittled away throughout the week. We DID however go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house every Sunday where we learned our table manners. How to hold silverware, to ask someone to pass things rather than just reaching across the table, etc.
A concept that I didn’t learn until later was the whole ask to be excused thing. At first I didn’t understand it. I thought this was a little odd and didn’t really get the point. Now that I’m a parent, I see the benefit that it gives us. First, I’m not a fan of “forcing” or “begging” my kids to eat. They can decide if they need food or not but that they need to know that “This is dinner” and if they don’t eat it now, it means that is the end of the meal and they will not be getting anything else later.
Highlights:
- When food is on the table, that food is the meal and no alternatives will be supplied
- Everything that is being served must be tried. This is called the “no thank you” bite. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to eat any more of it for this meal. They MUST try it again at future meals however.
- After no thank you bites are complete, if they don’t want to eat, they don’t have to but they must stay at the table until excused. We usually keep everyone at the table until everyone is done so that we can have conversations and visit.
- Once you ask to be excused from the table you are signaling that you are done eating and that you know that you will not eat again until the next meal.
- Once you are excused, you clear your plate and help clear the table if asked.
But what is the point of this? First, it’s a rough structure with clear expectations but they have some freedom within it.
“Is this really your work?”
Whenever I think about expectations I’m reminded when I was in 5th grade and had to write a paper for school.
My Mom took me to the LIbrary, sat me down with my assignment, went and grabbed the books I’d need, she photocopied the important pages (at 5 cents a page), and highlighted the passages. Then she proceeded to help paraphrase the passages, make an outline and numbered the order that I should put the paper. “All you have to do is put it together!” She said.
While my Mother was hard at work, I saw a classmate of mine named Tommy get dropped off by his Mother. His Mom just stopped the car outside the Library, let him out and drove away. Tommy went downstairs, took out his assignment and got to work. I noticed that he managed to more or less do everything my Mother had done for me albeit at a different pace. At the time I didn’t think much of it, though it would soon prove rather important.
Fast forward a few weeks, do you have a guess as to who was further along on their paper? Yeah, it wasn’t me. In my mind I had the assignment literally “in the bag” that was my backpack. What did I have to worry? All I had to do was put it together… So far I had very little skin in the game, I had no point of pride in my work (since it wasn’t really my work).
In the end, I once again leaned on my Mom to “help” me type up the report before turning it in. I was of course confronted by my teacher and asked if I had done the work myself. With a straight face I said “yep.” After all, I WAS there for every step of the process wasn’t I? My parents were given the same treatment and corroborated my ridiculous assertion about the report. In the end there were no negative repercussions other than a likely lowered level of trust from my teachers.
But let’s look back at this scenario and look at the expectations that were placed on us and how they affected the outcome.
Expectations
Look, I’d be lying if i said that 5th-grade-me followed up to find out Tommy’s letter grade or if he felt his parents supported him in this assignment they way that I assume that they did. The point I’m making here is that by choosing to let him loose in the library and not spoon feed him the solution worked out better for him in this scenario.
My Mom’s expectations of me were not as difficult as Tommy’s parents because she didn’t want me to feel overwhelmed.
Motivations
My Mother, wanted my assignment to go off without a hitch. Her motivations were amazing and came from a place of love and caring but in the end, the actions didn’t teach me the intended lesson for that assignment.